In todays fast paced world of “Instant Gratification” and “My Needs Must Be Met”, so many people lose out on having meaningful relationships in their lives. We believe that everyone has the ability to become leaders, even if it only for themselves in their own lives.

A couple years ago, myself and Rex Goode, my business partner, best friend and one of the Co-directors of ARISE Mentors, started seeing that so many people struggled with the basic things that allowed each of us to have a simple & meaningful conversation with someone, who was not “Just Like Us”. Each time Rex and I had one of these conversations, he would point out various things he was noticing. Over time, I started writing down the various things he noticed and brought up.

From all those conversations, I feel Rex identified the main, core issues with people being able to have meaningful conversations and relationships. In turn, we came up with what we believe is among the most important things, that help us develop better communication skills. This helps us become better listeners, communicators, friends and most of all, better leaders.  It helps us develop vital ways to have an healthy relationship with everyone in our lives. This is extremely important for those who work as support professionals for those who experience various challenges that affect their ability to live independently without assistance.  For professionals working with individuals who experience I/DD challenges, it can make all the difference in developing great, healthy connections, with those individuals. Listed below is what we refer to as “Rex’s 10 Commandments of Leadership”.

1. Thou Shalt Listen

For whatever reason, too many of us are so eager to make sure “WE” are heard and understood, we forget to listen to what others need, want and feel. Unfortunately, listening is a lost skill for many people today. Someone told me once that we have two ears and one mouth, we should always be focused on listening at least twice as much as talking. Listening is more than just hearing words. Listening is connecting to the person who is talking. Regardless if you agree with what is being said, you are listening to that person, trying to understand what they are trying to say. Listening to their emotion, their feelings and what they are trying to express. It means being engaged. It means you care.

So what if you do not agree with them or maybe even be interested in the topic they are talking about? You still listen! Especially when it comes to the individuals we provide services for. It is both respectful and honestly, what we are all getting paid to do. Also, by listening, we are developing a relationship with that individual. We cannot truly understand the needs of the people we are working with, if we do not listen to what they are saying.

2. Thou Shalt Be Flexible

Being able to be flexible in our mind and emotions is vital to relationships. If we are rigid in our thinking, we will never be able to develop or maintain a meaningful relationship with anyone. We expect others to be flexible and compromise with what they want and need, so we need to do the same. Walking a mile in someone else’s shoe’s is more than a saying. Empathy is critical in developing and maintaining relationships.

3. Thou Shalt Deal In the “Here & Now”    (Or as close to it as possible)

Taking care of problems and issues as they come up makes life much simpler. Waiting almost always makes things worse. How many of us have had someone say something that is offensive or hurtful. We then let it “Stew” in our minds and hearts for days, weeks or longer. When we do this, it usually ends in disaster. Our “Stewing” about it, makes a mountain out of a mole hill. When we deal with issues as close to the time they come up, we find that we might have misunderstood someone in what they said or they may have not meant it the way it came out. If you wait several days, a week or more, that person who said “That Thing” might not even remember what they said. If you bring it up right away, it will be fresh in everyone’s mind.

We also need to deal with it with the right person. Talking directly to the source closest to solving issues is paramount to solving problems. If you tell a friend about an incident with a family member, will the friend be able to help solve the problem right then? Probably not. Making sure you deal with the “Here & Now” with the right person, is extremely important in solving issues as they arise.

As far as our agency, our top leadership does not understand the needs of every single person we provide services for. That is why we have Lead DSP’s who are over individuals, not employees. When issues arise, our Leads are the best person to deal directly with the issues of individuals we serve.

4. Thou Shalt Be Direct 

Too often we are so concerned about “Offending” someone, that we “Beat Around the Bush” so to say, when it comes to saying what we want or need. Instead, we can learn to be “Direct” when talking to people. When we try to “Candy Coat” things, we often make it worse. “Direct With Respect” is a better way to identify issues and communicate appropriately with people. We are showing someone respect when we are (Respectfully) direct with what we are saying.

5. Thou Shalt Presume Everyone has GOOD Intentions

Very few people wake up in the morning and think, “Hey, who’s day can I ruin” or “Who can I make miserable today”. Most people let their mouths run faster than their brains and we say things that are not quite what we were trying to say. Other people just say things differently. I remember when I first started working with an individual in the capacity as a DSP (Direct Support Professional), we were on the golf course. I just hit a beautiful drive. It had a carry of about 240 yards and total distance was about 260-270 yards (That does NOT happen very often-trust me).  He looked at me and said, “Hey Drew, that’s pretty good for you.” I thought, man that was pretty rude, but didn’t say anything. The more I worked with this individual, it reminded me of Yoda, from Star Wars, “The greatest teacher, failure is”. What my guys was trying to say was, “Hey Drew, that was a great shot. Way to go”.  He wasn’t belittling me, he was complimenting me.

6. Thou Canst NOT Read Minds-Always ask

How many times have we asked someone if they wanted to do one particular thing and they said no. Ask them 9 times and they say “No”. We eventually get to the point that we just know, they will say “No” if we ask, so we stop asking. Maybe they would have said yes finally on the 10^th time.

Sometimes people will say something that we “Interpret” as being one thing, when they meant something else altogether. If someone says something that seems rude or condescending, ask them what they meant. Maybe, just maybe, they said it wrong, or we just misunderstood. Maybe they just talk like “Yoda”.

7. Thou Shalt NOT be Defensive!

Commandments 5 & 6 go hand in hand with number 7. When we become defensive about what people say to us, this does nothing but escalate situations from potentially nothing to possibly very bad. In my own life, when I have been defensive, it usually has been related to how I feel about my own insecurities. Being defensive is something that usually takes an problem and blows it up into something that can lead to hurtful things being said between people. Things that may take a very long time to emotionally heal from. Most people do not “Try” to offend or hurt us. Being defensive has never helped solve issues or problems.

8. Thou Shalt NOT work harder than your client

This commandment can be reworded to about anything when working with individuals we have in our lives. I do not know of any relationship that will last long term when one person is doing all the work. There is almost always going to be short time frames where one person might be pulling 70% and the other person 30% for a day or two or possibly even a week. The next day or week it may reverse to be 30% and 70%. Relationships go back and forth from 30/70 to 50/50 to 70/30 often. That is how things happen and what relationships are for. To help support one another and take up the extra slack for short periods of time. We always want to shoot for 50/50 as far as effort, but life is challenging. However, “No Relationship” will ever last in a healthy way if it is always 60/40, 70/30. If only one person is putting effort into a relationship, that is not a healthy relationship. It is not sustainable.

With regards to our agency and the individuals we work with, when we work harder than our “Clients”, we create dependency instead of promoting “Independence”. We cannot work harder than the clientele we serve, or we are taking away from their ability to be successful in their own lives.

9. Thou Shalt NOT be Territorial

This commandment is definitely specific to our agency and the individual we serve. All individuals are clientele of ARISE Mentors. An employee might be assigned to work with say “Jimmy”, but that does not mean that Jimmy is that employees client. When we become territorial about the people we work with as DSP’s, we forget that those individuals are in charge of their own lives. We are just helpers, guides, mentors and teachers. The things we do with the individuals we work with, is based on their needs. Those individuals benefit from multiple different people working with them and understanding all the different ways to look at how to resolve issues and deal with challenges.

I guess the same thing could be said about the people we have relationships with in our own lives. If we become territorial about “Time” or even “Belongings”, we may lose out on what is most important, the people in our lives that we truly care about.

10. Thou Shalt Communicate

This may seem obvious, that we must communicate in order to have meaningful relationships or to be good leaders, but communication is a lost skill almost as much as listening and common sense. Communication is about responding in a timely manner to people who are seeking information from us. If we reached out to someone asking a question, through any form of messaging (email, text, etc) or called and left a voicemail, but they just blew it off for a day or two, we would probably be a bit irritated. What is we needed an answer ASAP for an urgent, matter and it cost us or possibly even them, something extremely important, possibly their job or even someone’s way of life, even their life. Now turn it around and it was us blowing someone off and not responding to someone who reached out to us. What could it possible cost us. What would we be losing out on? Good, healthy communication is vital to any healthy relationship and is the backbone of great leadership.